MUSICIAN JOKES

Musician Jokes: Woodwinds

Flute

How do concert band flute players change a lightbulb?
They ask their boyfriends to do it for them.
How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.
What key is the alto flute pitched in?
G -- I really don't care, either!!

Piccolo

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.
What is the range of a piccolo?
Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.
What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.

Double Reeds

How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
Shoot 4 of them.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
What's an oboe?
It's an ill wind that nobody blows good
How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner
How many English horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
They can't -- they gyrate too much and fall off the ladder.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
1. Bassoons are more fun to jump on.
2. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!

Clarinet

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it takes him forever to find just the right bulb.
What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.
Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?
Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.
How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.
What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.

Saxophone

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. You can tune a lawnmower.
3. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
The exhaust.
Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
There's no place to hide your drugs.
What's the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?
The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel´s Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel´s Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel´s Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel´s Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel´s Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel´s Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravel´s Bolero?
You are in a room with Sadam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and Kenny G. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot Kenny G twice...just to make sure.
Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!"
Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
Because he kept ignoring the key signature -- he thought it was a suggestion.
How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth?
All of them.
What't the difference between the evolutionist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax?
The theory doesn't have as many leaks.
How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How do you know if a saxophonist is a redneck?
1. He has an old bass sax up on blocks in his front yard.
2. He spells it "saxaphone".

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Musician Jokes: Brass

Trumpet


How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part
How man trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because the world revolves around them!
What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either
In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said 'tacit'--so I took it!"
What's the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw?
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet, but doesn't.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up?"
"But Johnny, you can't do both."
How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."
How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.
What do trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the trumpet players.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trumpeter's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What's the first thing a trumpet player says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"

French Horn Jokes

What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and split every second note.
How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.
What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks
There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.
"What's he like?" said the woman's friend the day after the big event.
"Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know," said she.
"Did he have class?" said the friend.
The friend's ears perked up as the woman said: "Well, most of the time, yes, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again."
"Oh? Why not?" asked the friend.
"Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my ear!"
What do you call a house occupied by five horn players?
A crack house.

Trombone Jokes

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cell phone?
A optimist.
What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel was on his way to a gig.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's"
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."
What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage?
"Computer: End program!"
What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?
A good idea!
What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On or off.
How can you tell which kid on the playground is the child of the trombonist?
He can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide.
Someone asks a trombonist: "What's the subdominant of F major?"
The trombonist is confused: "What??? I thought F major was the subdominant!"
How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in

Tuba/Baritone Horn Jokes

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I sure hope so."
What's a tuba for?
1 1/2'' by 3 1/2'' unless you request "full cut."
An out-of-work conductor got a job as a hit man. He got an assignment for a kill and was driving down the road when he saw his target on one side of the road and a tuba player on the other side of the road. Who did he kill first and why?
The target: business before pleasure.
Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.
Two tuba players walk past a bar.
Hey, it could happen!!
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a "tuba glue."
How do you call a baritone player?
Euphonium

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Musician Jokes: Strings

Violin

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Why don't viola players suffer from haemorrhoids?
Because all the butt holes are in the first violin section.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
or
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?
Because there's no spit valve.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high.
Why should you never drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.

Viola

What does a viola player use for birth control?
Her personality.
How do you make a violist play vibrato?
Write a whole note and put "solo" over it.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
If you throw a violist and a conductor off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?
Who cares?
One day, the conductor of a no-name orchestra got seriously ill, so they pulled the second to last viola player to conduct for him. Everything went off without a hitch, and the orchestra sounded great! So, for the upcoming concert, they fired their old conductor and let the viola player do it. It was great! They got rave reviews, went on numerous tours all over the world, and became the most famous orchestra in history. Then one day, the viola player told the concertmaster that he would like to go back and play, and could they hire a new conductor. So, the viola player went back to his seat, where his stand partner quickly asked, "Oh, and where have YOU been?"
Once there was a viola player who was second chair in the Winnepeg Symphony. He met a genie, who promised him three wishes. For his first wish he asked to be a better musician, and he became first chair. For his second wish, he asked to be an even better musician, and he became first viola in the Berlin Symphony. For his third wish, he wished to be an even better musician, and he ended up playing second violin in the Winnipeg Symphony.
Johnny comes home from school, and says to his mom, "Mommy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!" Johnny's mom says, "Very good, son. That's because you're a violist." Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!" And his mom says, "Excellent. That's because you're a violist." The next day, Johnny comes home and says, "Mommy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that 'cause I'm a violist?" His mom shakes her head and says, "No, honey; that's because you're twenty-six."

Cello

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo "
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Why did the cellist get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a tuning peg, and wouldn't tell which one.

Bass

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes 'BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."
Why is a string bass better than a cello?
1. The string bass holds more beer.
or
2. The string bass burns longer

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Musician Jokes: Conductors and Composers, Chorus

Conductors

If Adolf Hitler, Stalin, and a conductor were to walk into the room in which you were standing, and you had a gun but only two bullets, who would you shoot first?
The conductor...twice.
If you throw a conductor and a violist off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?
Who cares?
What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A Doberman.
What do all great conductors have in common?
They're all dead.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just won't do.
What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to at 8:00 and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct. None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert. He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?" So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog. "Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement "Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time. "That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?" The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"
How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but, then again, who's really watching?
What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the ass in back.
Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet in the earth?
Because DEEP DOWN he was a nice guy.
What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
One of the members of the symphony calls the front office asking for the conductor. The receptionist informs him that the conductor is dead. The next day, he calls again, asking for the conductor. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, the conductor is dead". The musician calls on the next day, again asking for the conductor The exasperated receptioninst says, "Look, why do you keep calling here? I'm telling you, the conductor is DEAD!!" To which, the symphony member calmly replied, "I just really enjoy hearing you say that!".
A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest The rabbit said, "Watch where you are going. Can't you see that I am blind?" The snake replied. "No. I can't see that you are blind because I am blind myself." Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. "Why don't we feel each other and guess what the other is?" The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, "Let's see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit." "Very good," said the rabbit. "Now it's my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless and have no ears. You must be a conductor."
In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.

Composers

"Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour."
--Rossini
"Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
-- Mark Twain
Haydn's Chopin Liszt at Vivaldi's:

* Rossini and cheese
* Schumann polish
* Bern-n-stein remover
* Satie mushrooms
* batteries (Purcell)
* BeethOVEN cleaner
* Hummel microwave meals
* orange Schubert
* TchaiCOUGHsky drops
* marshMahlers
* Honey-nut Berlioz
* Cui-tips
* Chef Boyardee Raveli
* sour cream and Ives
* Strauss (straws)
* chocolate Webers (wafers)
* Del Monteverdi corn
* Mozart-rella cheese
* I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
* Bach of serial (opera)
* chicken Balakirev
* new door Handel
* Golden Brahms
* Clemen-TEA
* Little Debussy snack cakes
* Oscar Meyerbeer bologna
When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: "Give us back castrati!"

Chorus

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
What is the difference between World War II and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

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Musician Jokes: Definitions

string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

detache: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.

glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.

senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.

preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....

crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.

transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.

coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

ad libitum: a premiere.

beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.

lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.

virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)

music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

opera: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.

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